| Okay, so since I will not be sleeping tonight (I am NOT a bug person and I have just found a total of 5 stinkbugs...and I am the only one here, so I had to kill them myself, but now I am just wondering where their friends are hiding out...in my bed perhaps. And the book I am currently reading is creeping me out when I read it here alone at night, so I can't read myself to sleep either. And the dog is temperamental and barks at every little noise as if it is an intruder coming in to axe me to death...so I am constantly being freaked out. But I promise you, I am not usually so jumpy, it's just that this house is not one I am entirely used to, and I know some people who would love to scare me to death and come in using the spare key, so I will probably not sleep at all tonight even if I tried...so xanga it is!), I figured I would try to answer my own question as best as I can (see previous post if confused). But you will have to excuse the rambling, as I am tired, and I have a headache, and I am not feeling well, but I am trying to get my thoughts out there, so I am apologizing if they do not make much sense...but that's how it is all going on in my head. Wonderful, isn't it?  (I just hope it makes enough sense that I can finish typing it out before the battery dies on the laptop...I can say this for the first time...I am writing this post while sitting in bed watching the news. I will probably never be able to say that I wrote a xanga post anywhere but at my desk, so this is a huge event.)
Anyway, back to answering my question...
I guess that the best way for me to answer is to say that I am still not really sure. I mean, I know that I am saved by God's amazing grace, and that all of my sins are paid for because of Christ's crucifixion, but where I live day to day is harder to define. It doesn't come as quickly as the "Sunday school" answers. But I hate people who cannot be real, so I going to avoid the Sunday school answers as best as possible. I will be authentic, candid, and possibly rude, but anyone who has read my site before knows that I tend to be that way anyway.
This past year has been the hardest I have experienced as a Christian. I know that others have dealt with more difficult circumstances, but this was the winter of my life so far. I'm sure that there will be more difficult trials to face later in my life, really, even as soon as tomorrow, but so far, the last year was by far the hardest to get through. Most of you know that I have battled strange medical symptoms since last July, keeping me from doing a lot of the things I enjoy. I was too tired to participate and even when I was feeling okay, I felt guilty when I did something for myself or spent time with friends instead of using that extra energy on schoolwork. And even when I did use those good times on schoolwork, it didn't seem to pay off, so I ended up using those bursts of energy on myself and my friends, mostly to maintain as much sanity as possible. It was not easy to balance the different aspects of my life. I have never been very good at time management, but this was the worst: energy management. Of course, I could have done better. I could have completely ignored the fact that I would have gone crazy had I not spent time with friends, and focused entirely on school. But I didn't. School became a priority, but not the top priority. And sadly, God was not a top priority either.
I was angry with God. I was far from thrilled with Him for letting me be sick for so long without any answers. I was angry everyday that I felt ill, every time I left work early or missed a class, or failed to finish an assignment, or had to explain to a professor that I might miss a few classes because of some unknown illness. Every Sunday, when others would share answers to prayer, I would again be angry with God. Why answer everyone else's prayers, but not mine? What did I need to learn through all of this? How much does God hate me for making me deal with this while I am in school? How come so many doctors and family members think that this is all in my head, when I know that it is not? And why isn't God helping me when I cry out to Him?
I dropped out of many things in the past year, visited several doctors, and undergone countless tests. I spent a majority of the year making excuses for why I couldn't do something with my friends, complaining about people having fun in the hallway because I was trying to sleep, and crying over the stress of completing everything on time without ending every single relationship I had.
But then, in May, I was given a tentative diagnosis. I was ecstatic! I finally had answers, and I thanked God over and over. I had the miracle I had waited for. Doctors gave me a temporary treatment plan to try until mid-July. But then, after a few weeks of the treatment, I began to feel sick again. The treatment is not working, but the doctor wants me to stick it out until mid-July anyway, to give that treatment time to work. So again, I get to spend my summer hoping for one day where I don't feel like I am going to fall over from dizziness, or that I am going to throw up from the nausea from the dizziness. I am waiting for a day when I don't feel like I need to take a nap halfway through the day. I am still waiting to spend an entire day at work without wondering if I will make it all the way through the day. So again, I am angry. I have developed a "why me?" attitude. But it is unfair. I realize that life is not designed to be fair, but this is ridiculous. So again, I am struggling. I want to be able to make plans for my future. I want to take on an internship next summer, decide if I can go to school in the fall, or if it will be just as much of a hassle. I am sick of putting my life on hold for this illness that doctors cannot seem to cure. And I am having a hard time dealing with a God that allows constant trials. Yet Job managed to get through it all. As did so many others who struggled in life. So I know that I can do it. I can make it through this, no matter what it is or how long it takes, I just need to keep faith in God's plan. So that is where I need your help. I cannot do this on my own. I need prayers to support me in this. I need help maintaining my relationship with Christ during this. So I hope that this says where i am in my faith...I don't know if I can articulate it any other way.
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
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